LABOUR UNVEILS PLAN TO LOSE LAST REMAINING VOTES
LABOUR will today unveil a detailed plan to alienate its last remaining pockets of support.
The central plank of the party's strategy involves identifying the 10 most popular family cars in Britain and then making them a nightmare to own.A Labour spokesman said: "We're going for the double whammy of making them too expensive to drive, but also impossible to sell."And if that doesn't work we'll just spray paint a big swastika onto the bonnet."
The party is also drawing up plans to spend £200 million of taxpayers' money on a vicious PR campaign against the country's 100 most decorated war veterans.
Meanwhile teams of party researchers will tour marginal constituencies, identifying Labour voters and then kneeing them in the groin or setting fire to their coat.
And later this week, in a carefully stage-managed event at Westminster, at least 10 Cabinet ministers will explain why they intend to vote Conservative.
The spokesman added: "We'll take stock during the summer and if, at that point, there are any Labour voters left, the prime minister will send them each a personal, hand-written letter calling them a c*nt.
Wry smiles all round to end the week.